My son loves horses and riding them. As a much younger person horses were my obsession. I started to get tired of just of watching his lessons from the in-gate. I wanted to be on the horse, I realized I was living vicariously through him.
So cut to the mounting block in the indoor arena, and me holding a very large Hanoverian gelding, trying to get my fat ass in the saddle. Why did I think this was a good idea? I could fall off this thing. And get hurt, really hurt. It was a long way down.
After having to let the stirrup down and finally getting my leg over, I was up. It was awkward getting on to say the least, and it was embarrassing because I have gotten so fat and useless. I felt like a fool-- all I wanted to do was get down, and go home and be left alone. I will admit it, I was scared shitless. And I felt old, incredibly old.
All this was running through my head so fast, so much all at once, it took three times of my instructor saying "take a deep breath... breathe, breathe" until I heard her. Then I did what quite a few people do after getting on a horse again after many years do, I started to cry.
Yes, I thought that was a weird response too. My instructor (who has also been a close friend since high school) said it was a completely normal reaction and that it happens all the time. She said that horses bring out a lot of emotion in people. She left it at that and we got on with the lesson.
The half hour lesson (quite long enough, thank you) went okay. I did not fall off, and I did not embarrass myself too much-- mostly because no one was there watching. I gained a tremendous amount of respect for the talent, and incredible patience my friend / instructor has. I also realized that my son is a very talented rider. On the other hand I was absolutely disgusted with the crappy level of fitness I have and the fact I am so fat.
Women give up a lot. I realize that this is not a new concept. I have given up my art, which was originally how I made a living before I married. I have given up my interests and hobbies due to the pressures of running our business and having a child. I have given up most of our farming enterprises due to the fact it simply takes too much time and money, both of which need to go to other things. I am not complaining, just stating a fact. I regret none of these things. I am longing for a change, that's all, I am bored. I need to be out in the world more and do stuff. I have days that I want to run away from home.
I have been back to have another lesson since I first wrote this. This time it went a lot better. I actually had some moments of communication with the horse and a few times when I didn't feel like a lumbering idiot. It's amazing, that old muscle memory.
If you are looking for a place to ride I couldn't recommend this farm more highly. http://cadburywoodsfarm.com/
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| This is Cardos the horse I ride, with his fantastic trainer / owner-- and also my excellent instructor, aboard. |
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